I haven't been shy about my feelings lately. Referring to the fact that I feel unispired to do the endless craft and sewing projects on my to-do lists, to scrapbook the milestones in my life that have passed by, or read any of the countless books on my now fall/winter reading list. I've been trying to really soul-search and truly discover some reasons why I feel unispired. It's not that I only feel unispired, it's more like I don't feel like doing anything, period. I am happy that I am pushing myself to volunteer, because it's something that I truly enjoy. People at the school are almost shocked when I tell them the reason why I'm volunteering and it doesn't involve me having children that attend the school. I've gone every day this week that I was scheduled to go, and I've really enjoyed it. I'm glad that I am also pushing myself to go to church events when I really think, would anyone notice if I'm not there? But then I tell myself I would know and I'm not doing this for anyone else, I'm doing this for me. I know I'm not depressed, because it's not this over-whelming gloom that I feel. I know myself and it's not that at all. I feel positive, joyful, and excited and these feelings will last with me throughout my day when I feel them. It's really hard to put words to what exactly I am feeling, but I think I might have a little idea now:
I feel like I don't have a purpose.
Last night at my bible study when I shared my feelings during prayer time, the lady's really put my life into perspective for me, saying that I'm going through this major life transitional phase right now. I got married to Adam, to shortly after becoming a military wife and seeing him leave for the military for a period of time for bootcamp and school (if you put all the time I saw him during the last 9 months, I've only seen himm for an accumulated and not consecutive month), just turn around and have to say so long for an even longer amount of time. On top of that, I'm a post-grad, who moved to a new state with a totally different climate, with no job, all while being away from the life, family, and friends that I'm used to, and it's totally OK to grieve. One even said that I'm probably grieving the life that I had, since I'm transitioning into a new life here.
Adam also put it another way when I expressed what I'm feeling, by telling me that I'm making amazing sacrifices to help our family that we have in each other.
WOW. When I hear it worded one of the ways above and especially now that it's written so I can see it, I have a reason to feel the way I'm feeling, which is a valid reason to grieve.
All of this got me thinking that where we live does not define our purpose in this life. We could live anywhere across the country or even in any other country around the world for that matter; where we live does not affect our purpose, or even define our purpose in life. Our purpose should be and can always be found in God. When we are seeking His will and we are truly focused straight ahead on God, our paths will align and He will lead us to where He wants us.
It also got me thinking, that right now God may be calling me to simply support my husband and encourage him in every way possibe with what he is called to do. This is hard, yet it makes me so happy when I hear of all the wonderful things he is accomplishing and to see him happy about them. I am so proud of him that he is staying positive, going to chapel services, and setting goals for himself while he is gone. He is worth the sacrfice I am making, and each day I have to remind myself of that.
Thank you for your service Adam. I love and appreciate your sacrifice, which I know is incomparable to mine. Today officially marks that we're half way done with this deployment, and I know we can get through the other half! Love you SO much!!!!
Please pray for me that I will continue to seek God and take this time to soley rely on Him and learn to put Him first and in the center of everything that I do. Thanks.
Happy Veterans Day!!!!